Duke Nukem Forever Review

I love video games. I have loved them all my life. In all my 20+ years playing them, there are only two games I would never touch again with my bare hands. One of them is now Duke Nukem Forever.

If you don’t want to read any more, the short of this review is I’m basically playing Red Dead Redemption now. This was a game I got last year and never really played much of it. I’ve only put in 7 hours so far, but those 7 hours have been uninterrupted fun. Which is more than I can say for Duke Nukem Forever.

Let me make a few things clear. I never bought the criticisms everybody had before the game came out, and despite my utter hatred for the game now, I still don’t buy those criticisms. Graphics, regenerative health, and a 2-weapon limit are pretty poor excuses to dislike a game. It’s funny, really, because many people after having played Duke Nukem Forever blame these exact things. I haven’t read one complaint yet about what finally pushed me over the edge.

Bullshit difficulty.

I played the game on the easiest setting. Now, I don’t suck at video games; on my first play through them I like to be comfortable. There’s no shame in playing on easy if you just want to have fun, but Duke Nukem Forever doesn’t even give you that option.

Even on easy, the weakest enemies in the game can take your health down to 0 in one shot. So imagine what a boss fight is like! And that’s exactly what ended this game for me. Minor boss spoilers ahead. Skip the next two paragraphs if you like.

I probably made it about three quarters into the game. I don’t know exactly. I made it to the Octabrain King, whenever that happens in the game. Moments before you encounter it, you’re on this lift which has a few panels to duck behind, and a little control booth. This lift starts moving, and suddenly the Octabrain King emerges in front of it and starts attacking. This in itself wouldn’t be so hard, except Octabrains also spawn and start attacking.

Even if you’ve played Duke Nukem 3D, you’ll know these enemies were pretty tough then, and they’re no different now. So not only do you have to deal with their attacks, you have to deal with their King. With only a certain amount of health, and a weapon that deals splash damage (because bosses can only be defeated with explosive weapons).

Fuck me.

So if you can imagine this scenario in your head, you can see how someone might not last long. As I said, even on easy, the weakest of enemies can knock you down pretty good. I should add that this wasn’t the first time I encountered this kind of difficulty spike, only that it was the last straw in a game that seemed to constantly do this from the beginning.

I don’t even want to waste more time on this game by reviewing it. I’m done.

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