The genius of lunacy
August 26 2009 3 Comments
If there’s one thing the internet isn’t short of, it’s pornography. If there are two things the internet isn’t short of, it’s pornography and stark raving lunatics. The difference is, you generally don’t get to experience the former unless you go out actively searching for it, while the latter tends to permeate every membrane of the interweb like a bad case of herpes.
There is no finer example of this form of glorious madness than the truly bizarre ravings of Mr Andy Kadir-Buxton, a tragically unrecognised genius in the windly disparate fields of mental health, gynaecology, green energy production, economics and human sexuality. According to his CV, this modest, balding, bespectacled genius can lay claims to the following achievements:
- The invention of microsurgery
- The invention of bottle banks
- The concept of computerized irrigation to keep the correct water level in a US Nature Reserve, as put to Jimmy Carter
- Saving the “Dodo Tree” from extinction
- The Labour Party “Red Rose” logo
-The Democratization of Eastern Europe: all as put to Mikhail Gorbachev
Truly, this man is a modest genius of mountain-like proportions.
The real meat and bones of his achievements, however, must be his discovery of a revolutionary new miracle cure for virtually all forms of mental illness. How does it work? A mere layman like myself is unable to convey the true detail of this amazing technique, so I’ll let Mr Kadir-Buxton do the explaining:
“Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir-Buxton Method, has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand. The arrow in Figure 1 shows this point for your ease of use.”
At this point, a cynic may begin to suspect that this revolutionary new therapy consists of nothing more than punching the unfortunate patient in the ears. However, Mr Kadir-Buxton is quick to allay these concerns:
“At this point I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill. Try it for yourselves if you do not believe me.”
Truly, this is a man of science. He goes on:
“You will find that the Kadir-Buxton Method is also effective against comas and senility, amongst other things. I am hoping that Medical Professionals across Europe will evaluate and bring into use the biggest breakthrough in Medicine since my invention Microsurgery. I am having a hard time getting the Kadir-Buxton Method used in the UK because it would cut down the number of professionals that are needed at present, and of course, cut the amount of expensive drugs that drug companies sell at present. I intend to shut down all Mental Health Wards, and pass on the patients to trained nurses in local surgeries, and would like the money saved to be spent on Health and Education. According to the magazine Ecologist the savings would be £100 billion per year.”
ONE HUNDRED BILLION POUNDS PER YEAR. Not only is he a great scientist and a humanitarian, but he is also proposing the biggest saving in health expenditure in human history. Barack Obama could learn a few things from this neglected genius. Pray to this man, for he is the Lord.
“I invented the Kadir-Buxton Method twenty six years ago, and during this time over 35,000 mentally ill citizens have killed themselves or someone else in the UK alone. This is nearly thirteen times the number of those killed in ‘The Twin Towers’ bombing which lead to both a massive international outcry, combined with spending and action by the British Government.”
If only Mr Kadir-Buxton had been allowed to perform his technique on Osama bin Laden. Just imagine the lives that could have been saved!
This, however, is not his only remarkable breakthrough. No, Mr Kadir-Buxton has more tricks up his sleeve. He’s also single-handedly discovered a way to solve the world energy crisis:
“A Buxton Geothermal Turbine Generator is a lined and capped well, filled with water, which is ten kilometres deep. Because the ground heats up at a constant rate the deeper one digs, the cap of the well is at three times boiling point, the precise temperature at which power stations generate electricity with their turbine generators. Any power station can easily be converted to Buxton Geothermal Turbine Generators. The power they can generate is only limited by how wide the well is dug, and energy generation greater than nuclear power stations is easily possible. It should be noted that due to temperature variations in different localities, the well would have to be dug until the temperature at the bottom reached three times boiling point, which is an average of ten kilometres.”
On top of that, he’s also come up with an amazing new method of eliminating 80% of the pain associated with childbirth:
“With The Buxton Handclap Method at the onset of labour, the birth canal is held open by the hands of the deliverer. (Body building will increased the strength of the deliverer so that they are strong enough to carry out the Method.) The baby can be manipulated into position with the head down from any position by the deliverer holding the birth canal open with one hand and the side of the arm on the other side, leaving one hand free to do any necessary moving of the baby. In the event of the umbilical cord being wrapped around the baby’s neck this can be corrected. When everything is as it should be the baby can be gently slid out by hooking the fingers around the chin.
Once delivered the baby can then be tickled to ensure it’s airways are clear. The 15 point IQ advantage of my method is because no damage is done to the baby’s head where the skull is crushed out of shape as well as no oxygen deprivation which can be serious if labour is prolonged.
And the handclap? It was a name given to the method so that everyone could remember it. If the deliverer cannot put both hands in the birth canal after birth and clap then the mother is considered ‘tight!’”
Through the simple act of fisting a heavily pregnant woman, this God amongst men has saved her from unspeakable agony. Truly, he is a saint! His knowledge of female health doesn’t end there, though. Oh no! This is a man who can unblock fallopian tubes with his bare hands. That’s fucking hardcore, my friends.
“The procedure for unblocking fallopian tubes is to first feel them for hardness, the hardest parts are those which are more blocked. Polyps are the sides of the fallopian tubes expanding outwards because of the pressure from the blockage, or foreign objects such as ball bearings and even pen tops. The blockage has to be squeezed out a millimeter at a time. When a hard part is reached the amount that can be squeezed out must drop to half a millimeter at a time in order to avoid pain. All blockages that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities.”
Damn those foolish lesbians, meddling with things they don’t understand! Don’t they know that drinking lemonade out of each others’ twats is just asking for fertility trouble in later life? This is why we need to clamp down on single-sex marriage!
Again, cynical minds may be wondering as to the veracity of this man’s claims. Could this perhaps be some sort of spoof site, created by some anonymous master satirist? Certain pages definitely give that impression, particularly the one where he claims to have discovered a way for women to cure menstrual cramps:
“Primary Menstrual Cramps can be a debilitating problem for some 10% of women. Conventional treatment can even be as drastic as exploratory surgery whilst looking for a cure. A less intrusive solution is available. Orgasm from masturbation has been found to relieve the painful symptoms of menstrual cramps. Whilst it is not always convenient to masturbate for the necessary five minutes until the pain subsides, hands free masturbation is still possible. In order to do this one simply has to clench and then relax the vagina repeatedly for five minutes. With this method no one need know of the discomfort being suffered, and the pain soon goes.
Do not try this whilst driving or operating heavy machinery.”
Not to mention his ideas about the future of human intimacy, which appear to embrace the idea of replacing sexual intercourse by punching each other in the jugular vein:
“In the 1980s I fended off an unprovoked attack. What I did was hit my attacker in the Jugular vein in the neck hard with the tip of my finger. (The Femoral artery in the leg can be used in the same way as an alternative.)
Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex. I knew at once I was on to another invention. Whilst paralysed by this martial art technique the sensation of pain is replaced by super enhanced pleasure. As Governments around the world have been looking for a safe alternative to sex this appears to be it.”
The simple answer is: No. You seem it’s at about this point that our feeble minds, blown away by the sheer genius of this man’s claims, start feebly clinging to the notion that this may be some kind of elaborate prank. Not so! Mr Kadir-Buxton is not some recent internet phenomenon, born out of the mind of a bored, unpublished writer. He’s been an active participant in the democratic process since at least the early 90s, when he started getting letters published in various UK newspapers. These days, he’s equally prolific, and is an active participant in online debates on the Have Your Say page of the BBC news site, and the Express newspaper site, where he posts piercing insights like this, about former leader of the British Labour Party Neil Kinnock:
“Neil Kinnock did not leave his job in Europe early, he got kicked out for failing a DNA Test to proove he was who he says he is! He turned out to be a team of CIA Agents microsurgically altered to look like him. Why is the EU paying these CIA Agents a pension?”
There are simply no words to describe the genius of this man, or the magnitude of his unrecognised contributions to humanity. Simply by letting this man loose for an hour in a hospital, the good he could do is incalculable. By the simple act of sticking his hands into the vaginas of pregnant women, then heading to the psychiatric ward to pop the eardrums of the more troublesome patients and punch the depressives in the neck, he could make the world a slightly better place to live, and for that we should applaud him. And if you needed any more proof that this much-maligned man is the closest thing we have to a Messiah in these troubled times, ponder the fact that he can also raise the dead.
This post is dedicated to you, Mr Kadir-Buxton. May your genius finally be recognised by the rotten establishment figures who have for so long kept your amazing discoveries under wraps. Perhaps – just perhaps, with the power of the internet, you can see your discoveries given the respect they deserve.
My hat is well and truly off to you, sir. Amen.
